I reach the same paradox. To me it's just a label to stick on critical thinking.

I try to look at the positive. Look at the amazing fact that people tend to obey traffic laws. The incredible trust that is shared there, where at any moment someone could simply steer right into you and end it all right there.

For all the greed, there's all the cooperation that has happened to bring about marvels in this world. That we're fools doesn't mean we're by nature malicious. And evil souls don't paint all of us with their brush.

Don't ask me what I'm saying. I'm flat on my back, on darvocet as I type this.

I have BiPolar Disorder and a sleep disorder which keeps me isolated and usually dangerously depressed. I know what you mean about the bad days and the good days. When you ask about your authentic voice, you seem to think that you have to choose between the up and the down. It's that particular blend that makes you unique.

All of your perceptions - depressed, happy, awake, dreaming - are valid and real. The many dimensions and variations of those are what make you one whole person. I know that it can be very difficult, and during the dark times there seems no way out. Try to value the whole of you, and know that there's something in your suffering that makes you stronger, wiser, more compassionate. You can bring those strengths into the world so that others can benefit from them in your good times. In mythology, it's called the "wounded healer" and you can find this archetype within yourself. It will put the abuse, the suffering, the bad biochemistry into a positive context. Someone needs your words. Someone will benefit from your compassion and understanding. There is great value in being you.

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I suffer the life you describe, and have done the medical and psychological self-education, I've read everything, been on over 50 drug trials and had over 20 years of good psychotherapy. There is a lot that we don't know, brain study is in its infancy and psychiatry is guesswork. But I can tell you have insight, and you can use all your education and experience to quide your questions regarding the severity of your current experience.

Let me ask, if I may, are you suffering chronically? Is this a progressive, day by day, worsening depressive episode? If so, do you believe it's okay to keep suffering, when there is a possibility of relief?

There are legitimate reasons for having a born to suffer mentality, and I point to this because it is the one question that moves me into action, asking myself if I am "supposed" to be in pain uncovers my subjective, existential passivity that submits to misery, because that's what I learned, and growing up, submission was what saved me. It's a default mode, for people who grew up in abuse, it always seems to come back and I don't know if any of us completely overcome it.

So that's my question, is this pain treatable? Do you believe it can be ameliorated? One more question, is feeling better worth the effort? It's hard, money, transportation, side effects, an insensitive psych establishment and sheer bureaucracy of finding good treatment, but if you're worth it, Artemisia, can these hurdles stop you from taking aggressive and decisive action to build a team and address your suffering?

There are obstacles, external and internal, and it's good to clarify what's inside and what's outside, so as to better maneuver around what can and can't be dealt with. And if internal red lights exist, but remain un-examined the plan, for far too many, sits on a shelf until it's too late to ask.

And if you don't feel entitled that's a starting point too. I just want to say that there is a stranger here in cyberspace who hears the pain you're going through, believes it is worth taking up and is pulling for you.

Your description is one of the most vivid I have ever seen on what life can feel like from within the world of depression, and it is fully familiar to me, both personally, and from my work as psych RN for 40 years.

I lived in this world too, until I was over 45, when finally, against ALL professional predictions (based on the neurobiochemical disesase concept,)it all began to very slowly "lift". I've been off all antidepressants for 15 years now, and experience only "normal" mood changes.

This has left me questioning everything I'd learned and been taught about this lifelong "chronic" condition. (ie as a permanent chemical imbalance in the brain that would require me to remain on strong antidepressants forever.)

I don't doubt my brain chemistry was "off", but what came first? The alteration of the brain chemicals that caused the depression, OR..like you, was it the very severe early trauma that caused the initial imbalance, that then led to half a lifeitme orippling depression? (and 25 years of self medicating alcholism) And is the fact that I am now free of it due the MANY years I've devoted to finding and using every emtional. mental and spiritual method of healing that early trauma, on all it's levels, including the deep spiritual wounds?

I no longer beleive that regular therapies or psych medications are the whole answer for many of us, not by themselves, altho they can go a long way to alievating the symptoms and allowing us to function.

I think that early, severe damage can go deeper than the psyche, all the way to the soul. About the only expanation I can come up with for my own recovery..lies in that explanation; my willingness..at long last, to look at my own damage from that angle..and to set out on a spiritual search..for ways that worked for me, to heal up the deepest wounds..at soul level. The one place conventional therapy, sustained sobriety, and medication, simply could not reach.

I can only think that once I could finally do this, that..my brain chemicals slowly shifted back to a natural balance..(once I was no longer operating in still unconscious "fight or flight" mode.) All I can tell you for sure, is that I finally "feel safe". In my body and in my world..and it is a sense of safety than is finally flowing from within me..that no one and nothing.. can take it away again. It's a way of xisting I never dreamed even exisited..to feel this safe..and this "at home and content" with myself. That horrible self condemnation and self hatred is finally gone.

I don't know how helpful any of this is to you, but I do know this: I am not unique. I've know many others who eventually found their way out of this morass. Think about the incredible, immense strengh a child spirit has to have..to even survive the "back when". That doesn't go away, ever, I don't think, and only grows stronger as we do, as adults, even as depression tries to hide it from us.

Wishing you awareness of all the power of your own invincible spirit..

I've been a mental health advocate for so long I forgot that people still exist who think depression with a capital D could be malingering. Anyone who does just needs to spend a little time around someone with major depression, and then thank the gods that they have been spared.

Abilify is one of my favorite medications, I've been on over fifty and had the same results you did. But I missed my appointment for a refill a yar ago and live in Bush's Texas, the mental health funds were cut, there is truly no money in Texas for people with mental health issues, unless they present with psychotic symptoms, which will get them into the hospital. It's a disgrace, unbelievable to me, and shocking to the rest of the nation, but that's his legacy in his home state. Prick.

So I am on a waiting list to get my Abilify, and use the skills I've learned in therapy, reach out to people online, and accept the downtime, glad to be alive and fairly ok, if underfunctioning.

It is interesting, the post above about getting off meds as the healing route. I don't want to sound like a shill for medication, and I know pscyhopharm is not what it claims to be, there is a lot of improvement still to come, but I wonder if the medication you were on fixed your neural pathways, and were a factor in getting you to the point you no longer need them. Like I say, I am just interested and curious about the effect these powerful drugs have on the brain, and it seems reasonable that after such a long time on them they would have done the job they're meant to do, if that makes sense.